


There is Only Now

by Immicolia



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS
Genre: Future Fic, I just want Jin and Lightning to be happy, Identity Reveal, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Post-Canon, Self-Indulgent, except it's a hotdog truck, in some ways this is kind of like a coffee shop fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 14:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20292637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immicolia/pseuds/Immicolia
Summary: The man who comes by the truck for coffee has the strangest eyes Jin has ever seen. And more than anything he wants to get to know him better, even if he doesn't quite understand why.





	There is Only Now

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short thing to get my need for a post-canon "Jin smooches an android Lightning" fic out of my system. That was months ago and this fic got entirely out of hand.
> 
> For what it's worth I picked five years post-series solely because I knew I wanted this to be a few years later and multiples of five are aesthetically pleasing to me.

The man has the strangest eyes Jin has ever seen. Clear and pale green and something about them just makes him _ache_. A breathless tightness in his chest and it takes everything he has to smile and say, "Hi. What can I get you?" as casually as he does.

"Coffee, please." The voice that responds is low and smooth and makes something hum in the back of Jin's head, his mouth gone dry to the point where all he can do is nod. His movements a little bit unsteady and he shoots darting glances at the man on the other side of the counter while he works. Taking in the golden fall of his hair, the shining studs in his ears, the long line of his throat encased in a black turtleneck sweater....

There is something so familiar there. Something he can't put his finger on.

"Here you are!" Jin keeps his tone bright to hide the strange sensations that keep looping through his brain. "You're sure you don't want anything else?"

"No, thank you." He smiles back, strange and sad and Jin feels as if he's going to suffocate. Just barely managing to choke, "Have a nice day," out past the tension that is pushing down on his chest and stealing all the air from his lungs.

For the rest of the afternoon he's all too aware of the beat of his heart. Of the hollowness inside his chest that has been following him ever since he woke up in the hospital a few years back. Maybe it's been even longer than that, if he could only remember.

A week later, at roughly the same time of day, the man shows up again. And the week after that, and the week after that. Precise as clockwork and Jin soon enough spots the pattern. It's the brief window of time every week when Jin is manning the truck alone, his brother out running errands. The man comes, buys his coffee, and leaves. A sad smile that leaves Jin breathless touching his lips the entire time.

"You come here an awful lot," Jin blurts one afternoon as he hands the cardboard cup over, his skin tingling at the brief contact between them.

The man's fingertips are cold and his head tilts to the side, considering Jin's statement. "I wouldn't think that would be a problem."

"Oh, no. It's not. It's just-- an observation I guess." He sucks in a shaky breath and smiles. "I'm Jin, by the way. Jin Kusanagi."

"Pleased to meet you."

Another strange, breathless, silence and Jin lets out an uneasy laugh just to break it. "Normally this would be the part where you introduce yourself too."

"It would. But I think it's best if I don't."

It's such a strange response that for a moment all Jin can do is stare. His lips slightly parted as he tries to make sense of it and conjure up some kind of a reply beyond, "What?" Left staring in numb silence at the elegant line of his back as he walks away.

For a week Jin wonders if he chased him off somehow. If this mystery man will now keep his distance and Jin will never see him again.

He's not sure how he feels about that prospect. Distracted and fidgety to such a degree that Shoichi asks if he's all right, the question so careful and delicate that it sets Jin's teeth on edge. Even after five years his brother treats him like something about to shatter at the slightest touch. Fragile and constantly on the edge of tumbling back into the dark and he's a little sharper than he'd like to be when he snaps back, "I'm fine. It's nothing."

But the week passes and the man shows up again, same time as always. Jin dizzy and breathless as he pours coffee into a to-go cup as usual and blurts, "I thought I might have scared you off."

"Pardon?"

_Stupid._ His brain starts screaming even as he tries to smile. _What's gotten into you?_ "Nothing. Sorry. Here you are."

Jin's fingers linger just a little too long when he passes over the cup this time, his heart in his throat at the brief contact.

He doesn't understand the intensity of this pull. The dizzying need to _know_ this person. But it's there, clawing at the back of his skull and along every single nerve. At the very least he wants a name. Something to call him, something to think of him as.

"See you next week?" Jin asks, trying his damnedest to keep his tone light and indifferent. His smile strange and plastic as the man frowns, considering the question.

"I suppose so."

Then he's walking away, and Jin is aware of nothing beyond a faint ringing in his ears from the sudden adrenaline rush.

The next time, the next week, Jin doesn't think. He just scrawls a time and the name of a nearby cafe onto the side of the cup before filling it and handing it over. His face hot through the entire process and when the man frowns -- his eyes darting between Jin and the shaky handwriting on the cup -- Jin immediately begins to second-guess himself.

This was a mistake.

"Is this a suggestion to take my business elsewhere?"

"No!" The word comes out sharper, more terrified, than Jin intends and he swallows once, pulling an uneven breath into his lungs before he continues. "No, it's not that. I just-- wanted to see you."

"You see me quite often."

"For more than just a couple minutes a week while I pour you coffee, I mean."

"You don't even know my name. Or anything about me."

"I feel like I should." The words come out before he has a chance to stop them and Jin can feel his face flush even more at the way the man across from him lifts a brow in response to his outburst. "I mean-- I don't know. Forget it." He looks down, busying himself with straightening things behind the counter. "Sorry. I shouldn't have--"

The words trail off uselessly into a strained silence and Jin is all too aware of his pulse in his throat. A silence that is broken by, "I'll see you at six," and his head jerks upward in pure shock.

He wants to say something. "Thank you," maybe. Although what he'd be thanking him for Jin can't quite say. Not that it matters, the man already walking away.

* * *

It takes longer than Jin would like to ultimately get away. Shoichi is still inclined to hover, a concerned frown creasing his brow when Jin takes off the apron covering his clothes and says, "I'm going to head out for a bit."

"Really?" Shoichi asks and Jin can tell that he wants to say more than that. Things like "why?" and "where?" and "for how long?" hang unspoken in the air between them, written in the tense line of Shoichi's jaw.

"Yea, it gets a little boring just hanging out here all the time. I'll be back in time to help with cleanup."

Shoichi smiles and nods and says, "Have fun. His face an awkward mask that does a poor job of hiding his uneasiness and Jin almost wants to ask him what he thinks is going to happen. The words are all there, lined up bitter and poisonous on the tip of his tongue.

But he doesn't say it. He knows what the response will be even if it never gets spoken aloud. Shoichi has memories of things that Jin doesn't and alongside those memories is a clinging sort of fear that will probably never go away. Something happened fifteen years ago and his brother has psychological scars that match the physical ones splayed across Jin's chest and back. Spidery lines that Jin has no memory of gaining and no context for even if Shoichi does.

So he chokes back the venom, mumbles, "Later," and hopes that this won't cause him to be too late arriving.

The man (His date? Can it be called a date when you don't know their name?) is already there when he walks in the door. Seated by the window, his head lowered over a book and Jin feels that strange tightness in his chest all over again at the sight. His voice somewhat strangled as he chokes out, "I hope you weren't waiting long. I got caught up."

"Not at all." The reply is as smooth and even as ever. A mildly curious expression on his face as he sets his book down and motions for Jin to sit and Jin's smile is tight as he slides into the seat across from him. Starting to second (third, fifth) guess himself as they take a moment to order from a passing waitress.

"So." For a moment Jin's fingers start tapping out an erratic rhythm on the table in front of him before he realizes what he's doing and makes himself stop. "Can I finally get your name now?"

There's a moment of silence that stretches on a bit too long and Jin frowns, about to say, "Seriously?" when the response finally comes.

"Rai."

"What?"

"Just call me Rai."

"O-kay. I guess that's enough of a name to work with. What do you do?"

"Pardon?"

"For a living? You said I don't know anything about you, which is true. And since you already know where I work, what do you do?"

"A few things I suppose." He falls silent at the sight of the waitress returning and they both smile and nod mechanically as their drinks are set in front of them. A slight frown creasing Rai's brow as he wraps his fingers around his cup and he fidgets with it momentarily before he continues, "I've worked on designing digital worlds, although VR has fallen a bit out of favour in the past few years. Mostly I do archival work now."

"What? Like library stuff?"

"And databases and the like. It's a bit solitary but I prefer that. As time goes on I've come to realize I'm not much of a people person. Not like some of my-- colleagues."

"I kind of like that too, being alone I mean. Which is funny considering my job, but if I had a choice in the matter I'd definitely want to stay away from literally everyone."

"That is surprising, given how-- insistent you were about meeting with me."

"Yea, well...." A nervous laugh catches in the back of Jin's throat. "If I was more daring I would have asked a lot sooner."

"But why?"

"I don't know." Jin takes a quick gulp of his tea to stall, wincing a little at the heat. "Ever feel like you _should_ know someone? That's what kind of gave me the push to. It sounds insane when I say it out loud but--"

"Not entirely. A little starry-eyed and overly romantic perhaps, but that's not so bad. The world needs romantics."

"I guess that's your way of saying it wasn't mutual, huh?"

Rai doesn't answer. He simply brings his cup to his lips for a sip, turning it from side to side absently once he sets it back down on the table. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little curious," he says after a moment. "If only because I want to know who is so relentlessly interested in someone like me."

"There's not a lot to tell. Not really. I'm just a guy who works at my brother's truck."

"So you have a brother."

"An older one, yea. What about you? You got siblings?"

"Not in the traditional sense. I grew up with a few others but we're not related by blood."

"Oh. Um...."

"Don't worry. It's not a sore subject. It simply is what it is." He smiles. That same strange, somewhat sad, smile Jin remembers from the first time he saw him. "Since it's likely you'll be too polite to ask, I never knew my-- parents, I suppose you could say, in any proper sense either. It's really not worth dwelling on."

"R- right." Jin takes another nervous gulp of tea, trying to collect his thoughts. "So, I guess that covers jobs and family. What else do people talk about on first dates?"

"Date?"

The question is so quietly surprised that Jin goes light-headed. His mouth opening and closing uselessly until Rai lets out a low laugh, a sound that causes the strangest flip low in his belly. A pulse of pure awareness.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I know precisely why you asked to meet like this. I suppose I just wanted to see how you'd react."

"Okay, that's just rude." Despite everything a faint smile twitches at the edge of Jin's lips and Rai laughs again.

"True. I'll behave myself." Silence falls, a little less tense than any of the previous times, and soon enough broken by Rai saying, "Hobbies."

"Huh?"

"Hobbies. It's a safe enough topic and a fairly common one for getting to know someone." One finger absently traces the edge of the book resting on the table. "I read quite a bit, myself. What about you?"

"I don't know. I don't really have a lot of time for anything. Between classes and helping out my brother this is probably the most time I've gotten to myself in ages."

"Oh? What are you studying?"

"That's-- a lot more complicated than you'd think." Jin sighs to cover the near hysterical laugh that wants to pull its way free. "It's really not first date material either."

"Well that's curious."

"Really? Just curious? Not a massive red flag?"

"If I was the sort to be easily frightened off I wouldn't be here right now, Jin."

It's the first time he's said Jin's name and the low rumble of his voice as he does so is enough to leave Jin breathless and stumbling for something else to talk about. Something to draw attention away from just how awkward he feels and he finds himself blurting, "So what are you reading anyway?"

The conversation shifts to light and frivolous things after that. A rambling discussion of books that eventually leads to movies and television and any previous tension soon enough bleeds away.

"I should probably be going," Rai says during a lull in the conversation and Jin is a bit surprised to notice just how late it's gotten. The scene just outside the window awash in the glow of streetlamps and the headlights of passing cars.

"Yea, same. My brother's probably ready to have an aneurysm right about now." One of Rai's brows lifts at that and Jin grins. "He has a bad habit of hovering. It's a long story."

"A story that I suppose will keep until next time. Unless you've gotten to know me to your satisfaction?"

"No." Jin almost feels like someone else is speaking, his finger tracing idle circles around the lip of his cup. "I'm interested in knowing you a lot more intimately than this."

The words are low and hang between them, heavy with implications, and the sound Rai makes is somewhere between a nervous chuckle and a cough. "I don't know what I expected. Are you certain it's wise though?"

"Probably not. But I get treated like I'm going to break by everyone around me. Maybe I just want to do something stupid and live with the consequences for once instead of having people hovering over me at all hours."

Rai's mouth opens then immediately snaps shut again, like he'd just thought better of whatever he'd been about to say before settling on, "What if I say I'm not interested?"

"Then I guess I made complete ass out of myself but at least I got it out of the way."

Silence falls. Thick enough that Jin feels as if he's suffocating, the tension of it all wrapped around his throat and nearly choking him. A tension that only gets worse when Rai stands and tucks his book under his arm in preparation to leave and Jin finds himself jerking to his feet as well. The movement so sudden he winds up cracking his knee against the underside of the table.

"Look, I--"

"A part of me says indulging your interest is a bad idea." Rai cuts him off, a smile somewhere between sad and sardonic twisting his lips. "But when I think about it, it seems like everything I've ever done has been a bad idea."

"So...?"

"I'll see you next week."

"Where? The truck, or here or--"

"The truck. We'll see where things go from there."

* * *

Despite whatever misgivings he may have initially had, Rai is the one to kiss him first. It's what could be considered their third date (Jin absolutely thinks of them as dates now) and the kiss is a clumsy, impulsive, thing while the pair of them idly roam through one of Den City's parks. The awkwardness of it entirely at odds with the smooth composure Rai normally presents.

His lips are dry and strangely cool when they awkwardly brush against Jin's. The contact hesitant and when Jin grins and says, "'bout time," Rai glances away and clears his throat to cover his unease.

"I'm still not entirely certain about this, you know," he says once he regains his composure. "Relationships don't tend to go well for me."

"Hey, it's not like I'm twisting your arm to keep going out with me. You can turn me down any time. I'm not gonna--"

"Break." Rai's voice is clipped as he cuts Jin off. "Yes. So you've said. It's almost like the only reason you decided to pursue me is because you feel like you have something to prove despite being a little too old for teenage rebellion."

Something tight and angry settles in Jin's stomach at the accusation. His mouth gone bone dry to the point where it takes him a moment before he can speak again. "And what if the only person I need to prove something to is me?"

"It's still not the best reason."

"Maybe." Jin sighs, his hand absently moving to grasp Rai's. "Look. I spent a lot of time in the hospital when I was younger. And I mean a _lot_, to the point where everyone I know treats me like I'll fall apart. I need this. I need something normal."

"You call relentlessly pursuing someone you sell coffee to normal?"

"In comparison? Yea. Trust me, you have no idea."

A thoughtful hum escapes Rai and Jin leans into his shoulder with a sigh. Content enough to walk in silence when it is suddenly broken by a murmur of, "I've had some very bad relationships."

"Oh?" Jin replies, his tone filled with a careful sort of airiness and Rai nods, his hand tightening a bit around Jin's.

"Yes. And I've come to realize over the years that I was the reason they went bad. I don't want to hurt you aga--" His mouth snaps shut on the last word and Jin frowns as he repeats himself. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Even if you do, isn't that just something that happens sometimes? A broken heart won't destroy me."

"Are you sure?"

The question is so quiet and certain and _serious_ that Jin can't stop a sharp laugh from slipping free. "And you had the gall to call _me_ overly romantic? That is the most melodramatic thing I have ever heard in my life."

"I suppose it sounds that way. But the fact still stands that I've hurt people.

"Dually noted." Jin steps back, off the path, and tugs Rai along with him. Only stopping when his back presses against a tree and his hands settle at Rai's waist as he grins up at him. "But I don't really care. I'm tired of being treated like I'm going to fall apart at any given moment. If I get hurt, I guess I get hurt. I'm pretty sure I can take it."

Jin's hands slide upwards, along the long line of Rai's back to cup the back of his head and guide him into a kiss. One that is far more intense and hungrier than the awkward touch of lips that Rai instigated himself. Something eager and needy and inviting all at once and the smile that curves Jin's lips when the kiss breaks is wild. Almost vicious in how daring it is.

"You wanna go someplace?"

"Are you suggesting what I think you are?"

"Why do you always answer questions with questions?" Jin laughs, his fingers toying with the back of Rai's hair. "I didn't think I needed to spell it out for you. It's not like I'm being subtle here."

"I suppose not." Rai doesn't move beyond speaking those two words. His body almost eerily still next to the way Jin is still gasping a little from the intensity of that last kiss, and for a fanciful moment Jin wonders if he's even breathing.

"So?"

"At the risk of being accused of answering questions with questions again: why the rush?" Rai reaches upwards, his hands gently untangling Jin's fingers from his hair.

"I don't know. Do I really need a reason?"

"Now who's answering questions with questions?"

"I guess that just means we're both bad at giving straight answers." Jin leans into Rai's chest, eyes half-lidded in what he hopes is an entirely enticing manner. "Doesn't change what I want."

"I have roommates," he murmurs after a moment. "We wouldn't have much privacy."

"Then it's a good thing my brother spends _all day_ at the truck and our apartment is completely empty. We could go right now if we wanted."

Rai says nothing in response to that and Jin grins, freeing his hands from Rai's loose grip to tug him down into another kiss. A kiss that is a little less desperate than the previous one, but far more promising. And as they separate, Jin's breath rapid in excitement, Rai sighs and shoots him one of those vaguely sad smiles.

"You are the worst sort of temptation, Jin Kusanagi."

"Is that a yes?"

Silence. And Jin can feel the anxiety churning in his stomach as he watches Rai's lips part. Watches him take a slow, careful breath. Wondering like always if this time he pushed a little too far. A little too much. Until Rai finally murmurs, "I suppose it is."

Anxiety gives way to a dizzying pulse of elation, and Jin can't stop from kissing him again.

* * *

The apartment Jin shares with his brother isn't much, but at the very least he has a room to himself. And this is where he leads Rai after a quick call of "I'm home" to make absolutely certain that his brother didn't inexplicably close up shop early. His heart in his throat as he shuts the bedroom door behind them. The space seems so much smaller with two people in it. Cramped and devoid of any sort of personality even after five years of living in it. It's a place to lay his head at night and not much more than that.

"So." The single word comes out sharp and abrupt, cracking the awkward silence that fell between them the moment the door closed. "Second thoughts?"

"I had those on the way here," Rai murmurs, his eyes fixed almost too intently on the desk shoved against one of the walls and Jin can feel something akin to a scream building in the back of his throat. "I think I'm close to fifth thoughts at the moment."

"Look...."

"Don't get me wrong, Jin. If I wasn't interested I wouldn't be here right now. I just can't stop thinking that it's a bad idea."

"Didn't you say once that everything you've done is a bad idea?"

"Yes. That's why I'm worried that I'm right." He crosses his arms across his chest, drawing into himself even as he refuses to meet Jin's eyes. "I've come to appreciate your company too much to want to be right about everything going wrong."

"Why overthink it?" Without any hesitation Jin throws his arms around Rai's neck and kisses him, awkwardly backing towards the bed pushed against the far wall as he does so. It's a clumsy mess, the way he sinks onto the bed, pulling Rai with him, both of them fumbling to sort their limbs out in something that is too small to comfortably hold two people. And when their lips art Jin can't quite even out his breathing.

"I thought you were beautiful the first time I saw you." Jin doesn't realize he's speaking out loud until Rai's head tilts to the side, the smile that touches his lips in response as strangely sad as ever.

"Still overly romantic."

"I thought you liked that about me." He leans in for another kiss, hands fumbling at the hem of Rai's shirt (moving to push it up, desperate to touch) and almost immediately Rai's entire body goes tense. Cold. His hands clumsily close around Jin's wrists to stop him and the protest he chokes out is strained.

"I'd rather not."

"Any reason?"

"There are just some things I don't want seen."

"Is it worse than this?" Without hesitation Jin pulls his shirt up and over his head to expose the jagged network of electrical scars across his chest and arms. A motion that leaves him a bit dizzy, like he's not really himself as he does it, and he flashes a smile that all but dares Rai to say something. "Don't ask what happened, by the way. I really have no idea."

Rai blinks, reaches out, his hand stopping just short of touching one of the ragged lines on Jin's abdomen. His voice still as calm and distant as ever when he says, "You're incredibly cavalier about it."

Jin shrugs. "It's not like I have any context for them. Whatever caused it I can't remember and no one will tell me. Which leaves my two options as either 'not care' or 'drive myself crazy wondering about it'. So--" He winks and splays his hand against Rai's chest, his fingers curling a little against the fabric of his shirt. "I showed you mine. And I have to admit, I'm curious about what it is that has you wearing a turtleneck in the middle of summer."

Rai's gaze darts to the side. His lips slightly parted and Jin is tempted to lean forward and kiss him. Tease him, just a little. A casual bit of affection to show that it's all okay, that whatever he might be hiding doesn't matter in the long run. Except--

"You don't know what you're asking."

The words are barely audible and for a moment Jin wonders if he misheard. "You okay?"

"You have no idea what you've just asked to see. But then maybe it will be better in the long run, to let everything just fall apart right now."

"Little melodramatic, don't you think?"

Rai says nothing. Simply lets out a carefully measured breath and pulls his own shirt up and over his head. The sight that follows enough to leave Jin entirely speechless for a moment.

"You're a SOLtis." Jin's voice is soft and confused as he traces the logo stamped onto glossy plastic. Fingertips glide up smooth plane of Rai's chest to his shoulder, hook briefly in the seam where the arm is connected, and slide back towards his throat. His throat and the glowing divot there. "But that makes no sense. They all got decommissioned. And--" He frowns, his hand skimming up the side of Rai's face to feather against his jaw. "This part's supposed to light up too. So what's going on?"

"It's complicated."

"Oh really? It's not like that's the understatement of the year." A strangled laugh catches in the back of Jin's throat, making it ache. It's strange how calm he feels right now. Calm and a little bit light-headed, like he's in the middle of a dream that he's just realized is a dream.

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe this whole afternoon has been a dream. Having the guts to _finally_ go somewhere private with Rai. To be stupid and daring and just go for what he wants. It's all just a dream that's twisted into something surreal because his subconscious can't imagine going all the way and needed to throw a wrench into things.

Except it all feels too real. Too detailed. The smooth plastic under his hand and the spot on the wall where the paint is a little bit uneven (has been since they moved in) and the way Rai isn't looking at him. A hundred (thousand) tiny things that he becomes more and more aware of the more he tries to convince himself that this can't be happening.

"Robots--" The word hitches a little as he says it and Jin clears his throat before trying again. "Robots aren't supposed to be like you. Even when the SOLtis were running around they weren't like you. So what--"

"It's hard to explain, if only because it's as you say: you have no context for any of it." A shaky sigh puffs past Rai's lips and Jin almost laughs at how strange, how obviously false, it seems now. "My name, or one I was given that humans can understand at least, is Lightning. And I'm the result of what happened to you fifteen years ago."

That name causes something to hitch in Jin's hind-brain. A memory -- a dream, a nightmare, _something_ \-- from what he thinks of as the Hospital Days. There had been a field of flowers, too perfect and even to be natural, and a small figure just a little bit taller than the length of his hand. All of it so blindingly bright and the creature's eyes had been the strangest sort of pale green. A shade that should be soft but something about it is far too intense for that.

Just like--

"What does that even mean?"

"It's compl--"

"Stop _saying that_," Jin hisses. His hands tighten into fists, fingernails briefly scratching against that plastic shell of a chest as he does so. "I don't care how 'complicated' it is or how long it'll take you to spit it out. Just explain it. All anyone ever does is avoid telling me what happened and I'm sick of it. Of being kept in the dark, like I'm going to break if someone looks at me funny."

"But you did break." The response is hollow and entirely toneless, something that causes a shiver to trip its way up Jin's spine. "Fifteen years ago, I broke you. Then five years ago I tried to completely destroy you. Why do you think you don't remember anything?"

Jin's blood goes cold. A sickly sort of unease settling in his stomach at Rai -- _Lightning's_ \-- words. "You--"

"I'm the reason for everything. That's why it's 'complicated'."

His mouth opens, closes, opens again. Too many words, too many things to say, crashing around in his head to the point where he's incapable of saying anything at all. And in response to Jin's silence Lightning shifts on the bed, moving to stand up.

"I should go."

"Don't you dare." Something in Jin's chest goes tight at the thought and before he realizes it he grabs one of Lightning's wrists to stop him. "I know the instant you walk out that door I'm not going to see you again."

"And wouldn't that be better?"

"Maybe. Maybe I will decide that I never want to see you again. But that's my decision. I'm sick and tired of people making choices for me when I have no idea what's going on."

"So instead I don't get a choice in the matter?"

"You already had all the information and you kept coming to see me. You made your choice when you _started_ this. You don't get to coward out the instant I start to realize what's going on." He gives Lightning's arm a tug in an attempt to pull him closer. "Before you go anywhere you're going to tell me _everything_. Then we'll figure out where to go from there."

For a moment Lighting looks as if he's about to pull away and leave anyway and Jin isn't certain if he'd be able to stop him. He doesn't know offhand how strong a SOLtis is but it has to be stronger than him. If he chose to Lightning could shake off Jin's grip and leave without a word.

Leave Jin in the dark, like he has been for years now. Grasping to find out just what it is that everyone is keeping from him. The thought enough for him to tighten his grip around Lighting's wrist even more, so much that his hand starts to ache.

Then Lightning murmurs, "I suppose you have a right to know," and Jin lets out the breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding. His whole body sagging in relief and all but slumping against Lightning's shoulder.

* * *

The story is a long one and Jin is vaguely aware of the way the light slanting through the window shifts and eventually fades while Lightning speaks. About the Lost Incident and the Hanoi Project and six months of torture that Jin doesn't remember. About the Ignis that were born from it and the world they created for themselves.

About Lightning's own inability to connect and everything he did out of a desperate need to fulfill the purpose he was created for.

And as the explanation ends, Lightning's words fading into silence, Jin finds himself leaning into his side even more firmly. Lightning's body stiff and awkward as Jin curls against him. The silence stretching on as he mulls over everything he'd been told and sorts through a dozen different questions he wants to ask.

The key points -- Lost Incident, Hanoi, Ignis, Cyberse -- are all words he's heard before, albeit with no context. Things spoken about in whispers when people think he isn't around, isn't listening. He remembers a heated conversation between his brother and Fujiki from a few years before and the way Fujiki had said, "Are you sure you're doing the right thing not telling him?" and how he had almost barged in right then, desperate for any kind of answer.

But he didn't. The pain in his brother's voice when he said, "What will it change?" stopped him.

And maybe Shoichi was right about that. Nothing about what Lightning has told him has made any grand sort of difference. He still doesn't remember. He just has a handful of pieces to slot into the holes now, context to sketchily fill the gaps in.

"Why?" he says finally, the single word cracking through the silence like a gunshot and he feels Lightning flinch next to him in response. "Why did you show up at the truck that day? Why did you keep coming? Were you out to try and break me again? Third time's the charm?"

Even as he says it Jin doesn't quite believe that's the reason. Not with the way Lightning has acted. The hesitation. The way he kept trying to gently dissuade Jin from pursuing him.

Unless that was all just part of whatever game he's playing.

"It started as simple curiosity. I wanted to be sure that you were all right, that I made the correct decision in choosing those memories to keep. But then--" He shrugs, his entire body hunched and awkward, so entirely unlike the smooth facade Jin has become used to over the past few months. "I couldn't stay away, and I selfishly indulged that urge. I'm a dead end, I destroy things, I'm incapable of connecting with humanity but-- there is still a part of me that's desperate for it. It's very human to want what you can't have, I suppose. And I sometimes feel that I'm far more human than I'd like to be."

"If you were curious, why wait five years? Couldn't you have checked any time? Why--"

"To be perfectly honest the other Ignis don't trust me and trusted me even less immediately after our initial resurrection. And we're effectively in hiding. As far as I know none of them have directly contacted their Origins in any way. Sometimes we venture outside of our corner of the network and into your world, hence my access to a SOLtis. But if they knew I was doing this I can guarantee they would not be happy."

"No shit." Jin sighs, his fists clenched achingly tight where they rest in his lap. "I don't remember any of this. People -- doctors, my brother -- they all asked if I remembered what happened and when I said that I didn't they wouldn't tell me anything about it. To 'protect' me I guess." There's a sickly bitterness to the word as it rolls off his tongue. "But sometimes, when he thought I wasn't close enough to hear, my brother would talk about everything that happened with Fujiki. Not so much anymore but a few years ago. They think you're all dead."

"That's for the best."

"Is it? I don't know Fujiki very well, or Homura, but both of them--"

"Ai made the final call," Lightning says, cutting him off. "After everything that happened he felt that it would be safest if everyone, even our Origins, believed that we no longer existed. No one will ever hunt us again. That was the plan at least."

"You kind of blew that, didn't you? Just casually strolling up to buy coffee from me."

"In all fairness, I'm positive the others have taken the time to covertly observe their Origins while outside of the network as well. I just happened to get too close to you. As I said before, it was pure selfishness." For the first time since he began his story Lightning turns to face Jin, his expression perfectly blank. "Do you understand now, why I was so hesitant about everything?"

"Maybe. Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Would you even have believed half of it if you didn't see me like--" He pauses and gestures vaguely to his torso and how obviously artificial it is. "This?"

"I've been trying to make sense of this hole in my memory for five years now. Trying to piece together things that I know I wasn't supposed to hear. So yes, I would have believed you. Because all you did was lay out the pieces I already had in a way that _finally_ made sense."

"I see."

Silence falls. Tense and a little awkward and Jin finds himself threading his fingers through Lightning's as he quietly mulls over all the facts. The facts and how he feels now that the truth has been laid bare. Although perhaps it's far too soon for that, everything he feels still a tangled up mess as he tries to reconcile the man he fell for with the truth.

"The others will be wondering what I'm up to if I stay here too long," Lightning murmurs, his eyes fixed on the window and the fading daylight just outside, and Jin starts at the sudden break in the silence. "My weekly sojourns are already suspicious, especially since Aqua can tell that I'm not being entirely truthful about my reasons for venturing out. I think the only reason I haven't been prevented from leaving entirely is because I _am_ being truthful about not plotting anything."

"Why not tell them?"

"Because they absolutely would have stopped me if they knew."

Jin hums, unable to argue with that, and when Lightning moves to stand he tightens his grip on Lightning's hand. "If you leave now you better come back."

"Jin--"

"I mean it. I want to see you next week."

"It's a bad--"

"Yea. A bad idea. I know. But do it anyway. Because I want to sit and talk with the _real_ you for a while, instead of whoever it was you were pretending to be."

That smile, the faint sad one that has always made Jin's heart stutter in his chest, touches Lightning's lips. "Those two things aren't as different as you think."

"So prove it to me. Let's go out next week. Same as always."

"Very well. Provided the others don't stop me due to Aqua thinking that I'm being extra evasive I'll come by the truck, same time as always. We can decide where to meet up later then."

"You better. Because if you don't I'll figure out a way to find you, even if I have to tell my brother and Fujiki everything."

Lightning goes still at that, the shirt he'd been about to pull back on all but forgotten in his hands as he turns to face Jin. "I think I'm starting to understand just how similar we Ignis are to our Origins. You're just as single-mindedly determined and willing to do whatever it takes as I am when it comes to your goals, aren't you?"

Despite the very real worry that he might never see Lightning again fluttering in his chest, Jin grins. "I guess I am."

* * *

In the week that follows Jin is tense enough, and Shoichi concerned enough because of that, that he almost considers spilling everything just to get it off his chest (and his brother off his back). The months of meetings, the fact that the Ignis are all still alive....

(the fact that thinking about Lightning makes his heart thunder in his chest like it's his first crush... which it pretty much _is_, he supposes)

But he doesn't, still not sure what the best course of action might be. Not until he talks with Lightning again. If it turns out that Lightning doesn't come back, then he'll follow through. Tell his brother and Fujiki if only to try and figure out a way to see him again.

Until then, until he is absolutely sure that Lightning isn't going to show, he has to be patent. So he smiles and says, "It's nothing," to his brother's concerned prodding. Just like before. Wondering how long it will be before Shoichi stops believing him.

His heart is in his throat when Shoichi leaves for his usual weekly errands, eyes constantly flicking to the clock in the corner of one of the large screens looming over the plaza. Time somehow moving both too fast and too slow all at once. One moment the minutes seem to drag, the time between one and the next feeling almost like hours. The next, fifteen minutes have past in a heartbeat and wonders how much time is left before Shoichi gets back.

How much time before it's obvious that Lightning isn't about to show.

Then he sees him. Golden hair offset by dark clothing, his expression pensive as he approaches and Jin flashes a smile.

"You had me worried."

"With good reason. I almost didn't come." The smile touching Jin's lips immediately fades and he's about to say something when Lightning continues, "I'll have the usual, by the way."

"Right." Jin's movements are mechanical as he goes about pouring coffee into a to-go cup, same as always. Only hesitating as he hands it over, a slight frown creasing his brow. "Wait. Can you even drink coffee riding around in a SOLtis like this?" The question unexpected enough that Lightning blinks and glances away.

"Not-- really, no. I can't eat either. That's why I settled on coffee, it's easier to at least fake drinking that than trying to figure out what to do with a hotdog."

"So, you were seriously just buying coffee every week to throw out because you couldn't stay away?"

"I wouldn't put it quite like that but I suppose--"

"You're such a ridiculous _asshole_!" Jin slumps against the counter, laughing. "Why didn't you just ask me out instead of waiting for me to do it? It's not like I was being subtle about the signals or anything."

"You know very well that I was attempting to maintain some distance."

"Yea, well good job at that 'Rai'. It's not like you got yourself an impossibly handsome android body and then acted all broody and mysterious for months. That would _never_ be considered attractive."

Lightning huffs and looks away, all but sticking his nose in the air, and another airy laugh slips past Jin's lips. "If it makes you feel any better, I think I would have been drawn to you no matter what. I mean when we first met--"

"Don't say it."

"--I felt something. The moment I handed that coffee over, it was like the missing part of my soul finally clicked into place."

"Jin, I swear, I will do whatever it takes to stop you from being so absolutely embarrassing and that includes erasing your memory again if need be."

"You don't mean that." Jin leans forward and playfully pokes a finger against Lightning's cheek. "You love me~ We were going on dates and everything."

"I do not. I'm incapable of it."

Jin's expression sobers. "I don't think that's true. Not completely. I mean, the way you acted--"

"It's irrelevant," Lightning sighs, his eyes still averted and fixed firmly on one of the screens. "I can't love. I'm incapable of connecting. Data doesn't lie. Why do you think I tried so hard to put you off?"

"Because you're the one who's afraid of getting hurt." It all makes so much sense as he says it. "Something told you once that you can't connect so now you don't even want to try because you're afraid it'll be right."

Lightning's expression is impassive. His eyes still carefully trained on one of the screens to avoid looking at Jin and his voice is as carefully even as ever as he abruptly changes the subject. "Why don't we meet at your apartment once you're free? It will probably be the best place to discuss whatever you want to know in privacy."

"I- guess...."

"Good. I'll be waiting at the usual time."

Jin opens his mouth to say something more, but Lightning is already walking away.

* * *

Things are just as breathlessly tense as they were the previous week as Jin leads Lightning into his room and shuts the door behind them. Lightning's entire body stiff with unease as he seats himself on the edge of the bed and Jin wants to lean into his shoulder, to tell him to relax. Insist that nothing has changed.

Except he isn't so sure of that fact himself.

"I guess we should start over," Jin murmurs, settling for propping his back against the wall as he studies Lightning's profile. "Since everything you told me about yourself, about Rai, was completely made up."

"I consider it closer to half-truths than anything."

"Seriously? All that, 'oh I don't really have a traditional sort of family' stuff?"

"Well, I don't. I 'grew up' if you could consider it that, alongside the other Ignis and we are a family of sorts. Doctor Kogami could be considered akin to our father but I can definitively say that I never knew him."

"And then you murdered him."

"Are you really going to hold that against me?"

"I don't know." His fingers start absently picking at the bedspread. The sensation of fabric against his fingertips strangely soothing. Grounding. "I thought about it a lot over the past week. If it was justified or not. If I would have done it myself if given half the chance because of what he put my brother through."

"Your brother? Not for your own sake?"

Jin shrugs. "Can't remember it."

"Of course." Lightning sighs. "Do you ever think that it might be unhealthy, your cavalier dismissal of everything that happened to the point of outright avoidance?"

"We've been over this. What am I supposed to do? Drive myself crazy wondering about it? You're the one who took whatever context for it I might have had away from me."

"You're right."

A thick silence falls between them, pressing against Jin's chest and stealing the air from his lungs to the point where he struggles to suck in a shaky breath. One, then another. In and out. Keep breathing. His hand reaching out slow and careful to close around Lightning's, their fingers threading together.

"I don't hate you for it."

"Because, as you say, you have no context."

The pressure against his chest intensifies at having his words thrown back at him so bluntly and for a moment he wants to lash out. To snap back that Lightning has no idea how strange and detached this hole in his past has left him. How hard he had to fight to get to the point where he _can_ let everything go.

But that's likely exactly what Lightning wants. Jin can see it in the way he holds himself. He wants to be hated. Expects it.

"Why are you trying so hard to drive me off?" The words fall from Jin's lips without thinking and Lightning flinches in response, although he still answers without hesitation.

"Because we can't flourish. Whatever you're trying to create here is doomed to die. It's inevitable."

"Says who?"

"I told you. I ran--"

"A simulation. Sure." Jin shrugs, his hand tightening around Lightning's. "But did you ever think that what happened might have changed everything? You're not the same anymore. Maybe that simulation you ran doesn't apply now."

"It's not that easy, Jin."

"Why not? Maybe it _is_ that easy."

Lightning says nothing, his gaze fixed on the floor and a sigh of pure annoyance puffs past Jin's lips. "Forget it. Just talk to me."

"About what?"

A faint frown creases Jin's brow as he considers the question. "Hobbies." The word comes out on a laugh. "That's a safe topic, right? You picked it to avoid talking about anything too serious once before."

"Yes, but it's one of the things that really needed no embellishment. I actually do read, quite a bit now. I was at loose ends after--" Lightning hesitates. The sentence hitching to an abrupt halt and Jin absently gives his hand a squeeze, silently urging him to continue. "I no longer have a purpose. No reason to live. So I cling to what I can. In some ways it's pleasant, I suppose. Not having to worry, I can almost understand why Ai was so frivolous so long ago."

Silence falls, and Jin leans into his shoulder. The motion hesitant, careful, like he's afraid Lightning is going to bolt if he moves too fast.

"But at the same time, it's horrifying," Lightning continues after a moment, seemingly oblivious to Jin's touch. Entirely lost in his thoughts. "I have nothing. No reason to be alive and potentially an eternity to live for. The others were never quite as concerned with our collective purpose, not the way I was. It was _everything_ to me. Without a purpose I'm worthless."

"You can't really believe that? Can you?"

"It's true. A person doesn't create an AI for no reason. And once that reason becomes irrelevant the AI is irrelevant. I was irrelevant and it took a great deal to find a reason to exist." His voice is toneless as he explains, on the edge of eerily mechanical. "I think my desperation for a purpose is why I started coming out of the network so much. My saying that I was doing archival work is another half truth of sorts. Before I became entangled with you my intent was to record whatever I could. I'm far too flawed for my original purpose of succeeding humanity, but perhaps I can archive it. It's _something_. And then on a whim I decided to check on you and--" He shakes his head. "I still wonder if it was a mistake."

"I don't think it is."

"For now."

"Now is the only thing that matters," Jin murmurs, his eyes fixed on where their hands are linked. "I don't remember the past, and trying to see the future is impossible, so the only thing we need to care about is now. And for now I'm fine with this. I'm glad to finally know what happened, but at the end of the day I don't feel any different. So I want to be your partner. Even if you think it's impossible, I still want to try."

"Just don't forget that I warned you when you're suffering."

Jin simply sighs and gives his head a shake before leaning into kiss him. Intent on proving just how little the possibility of collapse troubles him.

* * *

The next week Lightning comes by the truck for coffee, same as always.

And the week after that, and the week after that, Jin silently relieved every time he sees him approach.

Not that the relief stops him from teasing Lightning every time, "You know you don't have to buy something you're just going to throw out. Just coming by to see me is fine," and Lightning simply shrugs and murmurs that it's become a force of habit.

"I enjoy the routine. Where would you like to meet up later?"

It's almost exactly like it was before Jin knew who Lightning really was, a few stolen hours together where they simply enjoy one another's company. No dwelling on the past or what the future might bring. Maybe someday they'll have to again. Maybe someday things will get to the point where they'll have to explain things to his brother or the other Ignis. Likely both. And Fujiki will likely get involved and--

He pushes all of those possibilities from his head, intent on worrying about that when it happens and not a moment sooner.


End file.
